Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
