this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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