with your own penis?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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