Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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