Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize