Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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