Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The ass gains better be worth it
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