My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
