No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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