Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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