you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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