I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
