Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
