I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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