hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
