So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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