I will die if light touches me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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