I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
