The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
