Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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