It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
