Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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