I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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