why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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