sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
