I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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