I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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