I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
