I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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