I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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