I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
