My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
