I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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