Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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