So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
