I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
