Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
