Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
