Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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