I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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