Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
