It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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