i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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