I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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