if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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