Can i not drive my cunt home
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
