1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
