im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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