Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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