Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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