So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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