It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
