i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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