um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
