"it" just moved
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
