I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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