My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
