THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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