Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
